I have felt so much shame this past week--that I'm not good enough, that I'm not living up to what God wants from me. So many tears. Lol, as Lyssa said on Friday, "I never thought Christine could cry so much in one week." And I have wondered where is God in all this? Why does He keep removing people that I love so much from my life? I know the answer to these questions. He's building me up. Making me stronger for what He has ahead of me. I know these things, but right now I don't believe it. It's so hard to look around and see what others have--basics--a family. And to this day, I still don't understand why I don't have the one like others do.
I know one day all the tear will go away. And I can't wait for that day to come. In chapel this week we sang a song called "I Will Change Your Name" It brought me to tears in no time. I related so much to the lyrics:
"I will change your nameYou shall no longer be called Wounded, outcast, lonely or afraid I will change your name Your new name shall be Confidence, joyfulness, overcoming one Faithfulness, friend of God One who seeks My face"
Hearing and knowing that all the pain, and lonelyness, and fear that I have right now will be gone. And I will be called confident, and joyful. Wow. Right now I'm having a dark time seeing the light at the end of this dark tunnel that I am in right now. I have a hard time figuring out how I am to pick up the pieces and keep living. I know I have to. I just don't know how. I have had such a great support around me this past week from teachers to friends. Willing to hear whatever I had to say, giving me advice and comfort. Wipping away tears that fell. Thank you all so much. That's what I will miss the most when I graduate--people being there for me. Even when I don't think I need them. When I think I can do it all on my own. They know me better. They know I can put up a tough front, but behind it I breaking down inside. I don't know how anyone could know me better than the people I know right now.
I still don't know where I will end up next year. I have no idea where God wants me to be. If my place is in Pittsburgh or if it is somewhere else. I have dessions that I have to start making. And I'm not in my right mind to be making them. Part of me wants to stay right here in Pittsburgh. The place that is my home. That I have known my whole life. Yet, part of me wants to run away. Go as far as I can from here and forget the past and start a whole new life. How can I keep my emotions out of making such big dessions? Where am I suppose to be? What college is right for me? How do I know if it is right? What should my major be? What do I even want to do with my whole life? Do I even wanna get married? What about kids? I realize those last two are ages off, yet they're questions that are on my mind. Things I thought I had figured out...they mean nothing now. I'm trying to trust God and remember that He knows what is best for me.
"Lessons Learned" by Carrie Underwood
"There's some things that I regret,
Some words I wish had gone unsaid,
Some starts,That had some better endings,
Been some bad times I've been through,
Damage I cannot undo.
Some things,I wish I could do all all over again,
But it don't really matter,
When life gets that much harder,
It makes you that much stronger,
Oh, some pages turned,Some bridges burned,
But there were,Lessons learned.
And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
And everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned.
There's mistakes that I have made,Some chances I just threw away,
Some roads,I never should have taken,
Been some signs I didn't see,
Hearts that I hurt needlessly, Some wounds,
That I wish I could have one more chance to mend,
But it don't make no difference,
The past can't be rewritten,
You get the life you're given,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,But there were,Lessons learned.
And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
And everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned.
And all the things that break you,
Are the things that make you strong!
You can't change the past,
Cause it's gone.
And you just gotta move on,
Because it's all Lessons learned.
And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
From everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,
From every change, life has thrown me.
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned, Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned,Lessons learned.Lessons learned."
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